Yes, Actually I Did Get the BasketWeaving Merit Badge. Twice.

Yep, I'm a two-time basket weaving stallion. Ok, so not a champ, but I did get the merit badge twice, yup dos. It was nothing really, not to me. Look all I did was take the class at scoutcamp. I nailed it. Then, a year later we were at a different scout camp, and everyone else was taking it. I didn't wanna go off by myself to some other class like some loser. So I just took it again, and weaved my little heart out, like a champ. Nuff said.

    

     So you know what really interests me? Movies. Those of the Lifetime variety. Can you say genius? Holy wow. They just take all the great qualities from soap operas and popular big budget films and insert some middling, past their prime, washed up losers (Tony Danza? Yes, please!). But remember, his character's name needs to be Tony, or it all just gets too complicated for the poor guy. It makes sense (You try acting! Jerk.). The results you get are pure gold- oooh note to Lifetime, find available actresses from Golden Girls.

    I am not ashamed to admit it. I have watched more Lifetime Original masterpieces than you. Period. So, I would say that I understand the workings of these films, inside and out, that are made especially for women. What is it about these films that women find so intriguing you ask? Were about to go there. I’m going to break down the proper plot ingredients to making a successful made for television, Lifetime original movie.

            First things first, er, second or third.... What is Lifetime television? Its simple. Its television for women.  I assume every stay at home mom watches it at least a solid eight to ten hours a day. Its nothing but programs and movies about topics women love. They have shows about real women who lose it and kill their whole families, and how they did it. Why do women want to watch this? Are they all looking for ideas on how to brutally kill their entire family, cover it up, and nearly get away? I don’t know, and I will never claim to know. All I know, is the pieces and parts that it takes to make a television movie that women will just eat up. Or at least watch once. This is coming from a male perspective on what these movies need to succeed.

            “But Yake,” I’m sure your begging, “how do you know all this?” Well I’ll let you in on my secret. My stepmom Robi and I have spent a substansial amount of time watching these beauties play out (I'm not at liberty to say how much time, so butt out). All the while discussing every aspect of what makes them so wonderfully drawing to Robi, a woman, and so unbelievably predictable and lame awesome to me, a guy.

            So, step number one. Set the scene. Here’s your typical opening, early morning, Mrs. Johnson awakes to the sound of a yellow cab pulling away from her home.  Her brown hair a mess, she stretches, feeling for someone next to her. Mr. Johnson is gone, again. Even when he is there, there is no warmth in his touch.  She slowly saunters down the hall, her peach colored robe makes a slight whisking sound as she descends the decadent spiral staircase. Her slippered feet don’t mask all the cold of the dark marble tiles as she walks to the kitchen of their New England mansion. She begins preparing breakfast, for one (tear).

Cut to the airport where we catch our first glimpse of Mr. Johnson (a massive tool). Wearing a dapper blue suit, obviously Italian, with a red and blue striped tie. His slightly graying hair is so elegantly disheveled as it sits atop his slightly weathered face, his square cut jaw.  We see, under one arm, a copy of the New York Times, and in his other hand, a cup of coffee.  He glances at his gold Rolex, then shoots a flirty smirk as the young, blonde flight attendant checks his ticket, and points him to his seat in first class. As he turns towards his seat, he stealthily slides off his wedding ring, placing it in his right pocket, a swaggering grin crosses his face (see this is where I wish there were some snakes on this MFin plane!).

Back at the house, Mrs. Johnson pours one glass of orange juice. See here, the idea is to already make the woman seem down to earth and smart, her choice in beverages makes that apparent. She is a sensible woman, who takes care of herself. Everyone knows how much healthier orange juice is than coffee, its full of vitamin C, and antioxidants, which fight free-radicals. Which is crazy awesome. What a silly man, starting the day with caffeine and sugar.

See, by this time you should already know which movie this is. They only have like three movies, then they just remake them. The previous opening scene was from the, “my husband is a rich douche who is cheating on me, but I’ll get even by overcoming his belittling and finding a better man who is more poor” plot. The poor man always has bigger muscles, and an even bigger heart (example, see movie- Bandits, note to Lifetime, remake Bandits, perhaps name it Brigands, dayum I'm good). Women swoon over these big hearted men (and thier substancial pectoralis). They very often come into the film in the part of gardeners and construction workers, or anyone that might be working without a shirt on. They seldom wear shirts the first time you see them onscreen. That’s important.  

We could have also discussed the movie, “my abusive husband has me so down and trapped I’m going to either, A.) get into great shape, secretly mastering many forms of self defense and lay the smack down on his candy @$$. Or B.) get wise and leave him. Becoming the super beautiful, successful woman I should have been, just to make him jealous (you go gurl!!!!!!). Oh, also the woman always becomes wealthy. What happened to the old adage, money can’t buy happiness? They usually start her out wealthy, she leaves, and its hard because she is poor and lives with her sister/mother/gay-best-friend from high school, and she ends up wealthy. Its weird.

The third type of movie is the romantic comedy. The names usually resembles previous, more popular films. Like, instead of My Best Friends Wedding, its, Her Best Friends Wedding. Now, as important as the title being similar is, its equally important for the actors to be a lot like the actors in the big budget film. If the main character has an English accent, then by George the main character in the Lifetime movie better have a freaking English accent.

There is no acceptable action movie plot on the Lifetime network. They just don’t make it on the air. Action movies are too manish. The whole idea behind Lifetime is to empower women. They want to see women in situations like themselves, only ridiculously exaggerated. And they want to see these women overcome their problems, naturally these problems almost always manifest themselves in the form of a man.

So, in a nutshell that is what it takes. You need a plot that will not surprise much. Start with a woman who is down, add a dash of not looking pretty, and a pinch of not feeling pretty. Mix in recognizing her bad situation or catching her husband cheating. Follow that up with overcoming and realizing she is better off by herself, bake at 415 degrees for about an hour and fifteen, and presto! She becomes beautiful and successful. The man attempts to get back in her life, she shoots him down, or kicks his aye-ess-ess. She finds a “better” man, one who’s more... how do you define an obedient dog? Submissive, acquiescent, and accommodating? Yes. That’s him, that’s her man. Because that’s what it all boils down to on the Lifetime network. Men need to succumb to women’s needs, ideas, and ultimate will, for the female race to be happy. But you know what I say? Not gonna happen. And that, right there, is why the Lifetime network will keep making these movies. Because until all men become docile, milk-bone loving puppies, women will need this daily dose of fantasy. To keep them from ending up on that show, the one where they go nuts and kill everybody.

(See also, Danielle Steele novels, and the Oxygen Network you lesbo.)